The Misadventures of Phil Bond
by TheOrange
Summary: Phil returns safely from his trip to Cybertron, but how have the repercussions of the Lost Episodes season finale affected his home?


**Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes**

**SIDE STORY - The Misadventures of Phil Bond: Mr. Ngo**

**EMAIL: [ lostepisodes@tfboogaloo.com ]  
OFFICIAL WEBSITE: [ http://www.trhonline.com/bmle ]  
ONLINE STORE: [ http://www.cafepress.com/bmle ]**

**If you want to be notified of further Lost Episodes updates, including new Phil Bond stories and the upcoming Robots in Disguise parody, send a blank email to [ tranfans-subscribe@tfboogaloo.com ]. You will be notified promptly of any updates to the Lost Episodes mythos!**

**Please also read Act 1 - Changes, Act 2 - Bonds, Act 3 - Collisions, and End of the Line.**

**Read Season 2 at [ http://www.trhonline.com/bmle ].**

* * *

**Author's Note: It is recommended that you read all Phil Bond related material in Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes acts 2 and 3 (episodes 5, 7, 8, 9b/10, to be specific) and the Season 1 finale End of the Line before embarking on this one-shot. Sure, it'll make sense (such as any of these do), but you'll be privy to more jokes, and at least one transition and some symmetry will have the possibility of being appreciated.**

**And now, the fanfic...**

* * *

As seen at BotCon 2000, Fort Wayne, Indiana.

* * *

The Misadventures of Phil Bond: Mr. Ngo, by TheOrange

1:36 A.M, 14 December 1999 -- Phil's girlfriend Liz's dorm room -- UW-Madison -- Madison, Wisconsin

A few very awake hall mates, Jill, Fishy, and Liz are discussing the previous evening's outing. Liz, at her computer, spots something she likes, but before her roommate can say...

Fishy: Whatcha got, Lizard?

...it's too late.

Liz: I did something bad.

Fishy: Did you bid on another stupid Transformer on eBay, Liz? Phil is such a bad influence on you... even though he has a sweet ass.

Traegorn via Yahoo Messenger: Guess who wrote this bit, eh?

Liz: Hey, don't worry. I'll get outbid.

Fishy: Sure you will.

Fishy gets up and looks at Liz's computer monitor.

Fishy: ARGH! It's so ugly! What is that thing?

Liz: It's Scorponok. He's a Headmaster. Isn't he cute?

Fishy: Not as cute as Nightscream. How much did you bid for?

Liz: One hundred fifty.

Fishy: !

Liz: Orange is such a bad influence on you.

Jill: I'm going to get you sooooooooo drunk if you win that.

Liz: I won't win. I can't afford to win. If I had to pay the actual winning amount, I'd be broke. Scorponok and I'd have to go join Phil and Jetstorm on the corner, begging for handouts... Besides, one should never underestimate last-minute bidders.

Fishy reloads the page.

Fishy: Haha!

Liz: What?

Fishy: You just won!

Liz: Oh, shit.

Fishy: You're a bad girl, aren't you Liz!

Traegorn via Yahoo Messenger: Deviant!

Several business days later -- State Street -- Madison, Wisconsin

Phil is absently skipping rocks across the street, lamenting the loss of his $100 Jetstorm toy which disappeared into the maw of a fur-bearing trout (see Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes, Episode 5 - A Day in the Life (of Jetstorm) ). Liz meekly walks up to him with her G1 Scorponok and takes a seat next to Phil on the curb.

Phil: eBay?

Liz nods silently.

Phil skips another rock across the street...

...where it hits a car.

Senator Herb Kohl: That's my car! Hey, you! I saw that!

Phil: ulp Run!

Liz grabs Scorponok and joins Phil in a mad sprint down State Street. They run for a couple of blocks until they see the Municipal building.

Phil: Ooh! Snapple!

They run inside where Phil pours a pocketful of change he stol-- er, *borrowed* from passersby into the unsuspecting machine.

Phil Bond: Take that!

Phil fires Snapples at the angry Senator.

Liz: Get him, Scorponok!

Scorponok: HUG!!!

Liz throws her massive toy at Senator Herb Kohl, where it firmly attaches itself to his face. The very annoyed Wisconsin Senator claws at the toy attempting to release its plastic grip.

Phil Bond: Ew... that's gonna leave a mark...

Liz: So stop sucking on it!

Behind them all, lurking in the shadows just around the corner of the hallway, a Mysterious Figure watches silently...

OpeningSequenceTitle

MR. NGO

/TitleCredits

Starring: Phil Bond, Spqqky, PrimeX, Phil's girlfriend Liz, Mr. Ngo, Traegorn RavenHawk, and TheOrange

Co-starring: Fishy, Jill, Chris Deschane, Geever and Crawley, The President of the United States of America, Tracksters Bergstrom and Fritz, Jay, and Angelina Jolie as Agent 37

Guest Appearances by Megatron and Mr. Bamt

Story by TheOrange (with intro by Phil Bond)

Based Upon "Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes" created by Traegorn RavenHawk

/Credits

Three men with very long poles waltz by, shown only in silhouette. "Three Blind Mice" begins to play over the Phil Bond Theme.

Some scantily-clad women start dancing.

/OpeningSequence

Indoor Track Facility, McPhee, UW-Eau Claire -- Eau Claire, Wisconsin

Coach: Girls, put your shirts back on!

The women's track team obliges and put their shirts on over their sports bras. The men watch with severe disapproval.

Coach: Vaulters, you're with me!

The three men with poles follow the coach.

Coach: And *someone* turn off that crap!

"Three Blind Mice" is soon replaced with "Faith."

Coach: Better!

Inside the McPhee Indoor Track Facility, the Track team practices diligently for the Conference meet in Platteville, an event that will mark the end of the indoor season. Slacking off as usual are the three Triple-jumpers, Bergstrom, Fritz, and TheOrange, busily discussing the absence of their fourth team member.

TheOrange: Does anyone else find it mysterious that Tommy never shows up for practice?

Bergstrom: He's Tommy, he doesn't need to practice.

TheOrange: Are you sure he even exists? Best I figure, he's just a figment of everyone's imagination. I've never even met the guy.

Bergstrom: Don't worry about that. What you *should* worry about is fishing.

TheOrange: Fishing? In the winter?

Bergstrom: Yeah, winter's the best time, right Pete? Back me up here.

Fritz: Yeah.

TheOrange: under breath Damn Minnesotans...

Most of the UWEC campus: I heard that!

TheOrange runs.

Bergstrom: Hey, where are you going?

TheOrange retreating: A place where no one has ever heard of Minnesota!

Fritz: Where's that?

TheOrange: Waukesha!

Silence.

Bergstrom: ...where *is* Tommy, anyway?

A formal dinner, deep beneath the surface of the Earth

**One of the greatest spy heroes the world has ever known is about to come face-to-face with his equal, the greatest internet mogul known to man.**

**Dark Minion: His greatness will see you now.**

**Agent Ngo: Thank you.**

**The room is empty, except for a lavishly laid out dinner on a long, silver-plated table.**

**Dark Figure: Please have a seat, Mr. Ngo. I shan't be long.**

**Agent Ngo: I prefer to stand, thank you.**

**The Dark Minion pulls out his gun and aims it at the spy.**

**Dark Figure: I said, "sit."**

**Agent Ngo sits, but does not touch the food.**

**Agent Ngo: What is this all about...**

**Dramatic pause.**

**Agent Ngo: ...Spqqky?**

**Spqqky: Very good deduction, Mr. Ngo.**

**Spqqky crosses the room and takes a seat opposite Agent Ngo, his metal hands clanking loudly on the table.**

**Agent Ngo: It won't work, you know. The Agency will stop you.**

**Spqqky: Come now, Mr. Ngo, you of all people should appreciate best what I am doing here. The US toy market is in chaos. People in the Midwest feel misused and alone because they are getting the short end of the stick, as it were, by the major toy companies. The East and West coasts have all the power here. It is a situation I wish to rectify.**

**Agent Ngo: I see, so you're favoring the East, then?**

**Spqqky: My parents are from opposite coasts, Mr. Ngo. My father from the east, my mother from the west. I have studied long in both locales and have found them... lacking. The east is just as stupid and self-absorbed as the west. I plan to bring them both down!**

**Spqqky emphasizes his last remark by slamming a metal fist onto the metal table. His hand rolls off. The Dark Minion retrieves it without another word.**

**Spqqky: And there's nothing you can do about it.**

**Agent Ngo appears to admit defeat.**

**Agent Ngo: You are correct of course, except-- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!**

**Spqqky and the Dark Minion whip around to look were Agent Ngo is pointing.**

**Spqqky: Where? I don't see anything...**

**When they look back, the spy is gone.**

**Spqqky: Get him! I cannot afford to let him disrupt my plans!**

**Dark Minion: Yes sir!**

**Spqqky watches his Dark Minion go. Once he is alone, he touches the internal comm-link on the wall.**

**Spqqky: Lieutenant, are the keys all charged?**

**Lieutenant over the intercom: Yes, sir!**

**Spqqky: Prepare the drones! We attack immediately! To himself You can't escape me that easily, Mr. Ngo.**

Shortly before 2:30pm, 6 February 2000 -- Phil Bond's Pad -- Way Out in the Boonies, Wisconsin

Immediately following the events of Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes, Episode 9b/10 - Phil Bondius Emeritus

TheOrange: You had me going for a minute there, right up until the bit about the fur-bearing trout in Lake Monona.

Phil Bond: What, you don't believe in fur-bearing trout?

TheOrange: No, I don't believe they could live in Lake Monona.

Phil Bond: I was really there.

TheOrange: Uh huh, Phil. I believe you were on Cybertron just about as much as I believe you're a secret agent for the government. This is even more incredible than your Y2K story. Fires of hell, indeed...

Phil Bond: ...

TheOrange: Just tell me the truth, did you sell it on eBay to make up for that Jetstorm you lost?

Phil Bond: No, I already told you... I didn't lose it.

TheOrange: Right, the fur-bearing trout ate him.

Phil Bond: Well, he did! Tankorr sent him to...

TheOrange: making a "kill' gesture Fine, so if you didn't sell it, how did you make enough money to get off the streets?

Phil Bond: Oh, that...

flashback

State Street -- Madison, Wisconsin

Geever and Crawley walk up to Phil and Liz.

Geever: to Liz eBay?

Liz: Yeah...

Phil skips another rock across the street.

Liz: Shouldn't you go to work?

Phil Bond: Hmm? Oh yeah...

Crawley: Hold me, Geev. Hold me.

Geever: Don't call me "Geev."

/flashback

TheOrange: Hey, whatever happened to those guys? Oh, wait, you already told me. Cybertron.

Phil nods.

TheOrange: Uh huh... okay. Well, I need to get back to school. It's almost 2:30. I expect you to go on eBay real soon and bid on a replacement Megatron.

Phil Bond: Yeah, whatever.

TheOrange: See you later. Under his breath Maybe Tommy will start showing up for Track practice...

Just as TheOrange leaves, the phone rings.

Just as Phil is about to answer the phone, he is paged.

Phil Bond: I bet that's Dustin.

Phil answers the phone...

Mysterious Voice: Good evening, Mr. Bond...

Phil Bond: I'm going to have to call you back.

Phil hangs up and calls Dustin, who isn't home. The phone rings again after Phil hangs up again.

Phil Bond: Yello?

Mysterious Voice: It is imperative that you listen to me very carefully.

Phil Bond: Um, okay. Who is this?

Mysterious Voice: The Boss.

Dum dum DUM!!!

Phil Bond: Ouch, that was right in my ear! Turn that down!

The Boss: Sorry... Would you turn on your television, please?

Phil Bond: This isn't one of those movies where I turn on the TV and it's mysteriously on the right channel, is it?

The Boss: No, you're going to have to change the channel to Fox. "When Good Toys Go Bad" should be on any minute now.

Phil Bond: Man, Fox will show anything, won't they? I'm glad I work for an ABC affiliate...

Phil flips on the TV. On the screen is a news report about a siege in Washington D.C.

Pete Mosse onscreen: Just hours ago, thousands of toys all over the country left the homes of the children who loved them so, and gathered here in Washington D.C. According to reports, these toys were purchased at an online auction service known as "eBay."

In the background, thousands of small, tank drone toys with their own Key to Vector Sigma are storming the Capitol Building. A few transform into robots and start sawing down stop signs and parking meters. Others just look up women's skirts. Collectively they begin to approach the Capitol on their fake treads, firing energy bolts at the money-grubbing politicians seeking refuge. Ted Kennedy stands before them in blatant drunken defiance. Behind them all is a single person whom no one has ever seen before with mortal eyes.

Pete Mosse onscreen: No word from eBay officials as of yet, but we do know that the auctions were pandered by an auctioneer known only by the name of "Spqqky." More on this as it develops-- oh god, don't come any closer!

Spqqky: Annihilate them!

The screen turns to static.

Phil Bond: Oh my...

The Boss: We believe you may know something about this. Have you ever seen these machines before? Do you know what they are doing in Washington D.C.?

flashback

Cybertron -- Megatron's Personal Tribute to Egomania

Phil Bond: Take that, Megatron! fires his gun

Megatron: You'll rue this day, puny flesh creature! I'll destroy you and all your kind!

Mr. Bamt: hold me.............rattrap...................hold me................

/flashback

Phil Bond: Errrr... no.

The Boss: No need to answer now, we shall be sending for you shortly. Good day, Mr. Bond.

The line goes dead.

Phil Bond: I wonder what Liz is doing right now...

State Street -- Madison, Wisconsin

Scorponok stares at Liz, his arms outstretched.

Liz: sob! He's... so... UGLY!

Phil drives up in his Volkswagen.

Phil Bond: Hey Liz! Let's go to your place.

Liz: Okay!

Liz jumps into the passenger side of Phil's car, leaving Scorponok by the curb.

Scorponok: ...

Near the Abraham Lincoln Memorial

**Agent Ngo: to the tune of "Secret Agent Man" Secret Asian Man! Secret Asian Man!**

**Ngo passes a small child staring at what's left of the statue in the chair.**

**Agent Ngo: What kind of sick monster would steal Abe Lincoln's head?**

**Agent Ngo's communications device beeps at him, and he hits the hidden switch to activate it.**

**The Boss onscreen: Ah, Mr. Ngo, there you are. Hold out just a bit longer. We'll be sending a**

**replacement for you in a few hours.**

**Agent Ngo: dodging blasts from the tank drone toys Are you kidding me? I barely escaped Spqqky's underground lair with my life, these toy things are shooting people left and right, and to top it off I have to be in Platteville in three hours!**

**Agent Ngo barely avoids a shot fired in his direction.**

**Agent Ngo: They're unstoppable!**

**Daniel Witwicky: And they're everywhere!**

**Agent Ngo: shoots Daniel Shut up, kid.**

**The Boss: I'll try and speed things up for you, then. Boss out.**

Four hours later

Phil Bond wakes up on a bed inside a military installation. It's small, cramped, and looks like the interior of a submarine, except made out of cinder block.

Phil Bond: What the... where am I? How did I get here? Liz?

Phil looks over at the woman on the bed next to him. It's dark, and he can't see who it is.

Agent 37: Safe.

Phil Bond: Liz, is that you?

Agent 37: sitting up We're glad to see you're finally awake. The Boss has been calling us for the last five minutes. You know how impatient he gets.

Phil Bond: Liz, what's going on?

Agent 37 pulls closer and kisses Phil.

Phil Bond: Okay... this is where I would shout "Hey, you're not Liz..." but I have a sneaking suspicion that I would only be stating the painfully obvious.

Agent 37: Come on, it's almost time for the briefing.

Elsewhere

Agent 37: This way.

Agent 37 touches a panel and a door swishes open. They step inside the lift to see...

Phil Bond: Chris Deschane!?!?

Dum Dum DUM!!!

Phil Bond: I don't even know you!

Dum Dum DUM!!!

Deschane: We've been expecting you. The Boss has been getting somewhat impatient. You know how he is.

Phil Bond: So everyone tells me.

They enter a sparse briefing room. The decor does nothing to combat the impression that they are in fact inside a large submarine made out of cinder block. The chair at the other end of the office faces away from the door, the back sloping above the head of whoever sits in it.

The Boss: Finally, you're awake. I was getting a bit impatient. You know how I am.

Phil Bond: Uh, no. Who are you?

The Boss: Really, you of all people should know better...

The man slowly pivots around to reveal a sixty-something man of Oriental descent, his white hair cropped closely to his head, somehow complementing his short stature.

The Boss: I am the Boss. The question you should be asking yourself right now is, "who am *I?*"

Phil looks around. Agent 37 holds his arm while Deschane takes a place next to The Boss.

Phil Bond: Okay, I'll bite. Who am I?

The Boss gets up from his seat. Deschane obediently follows him as he paces around the room.

The Boss: You are agent Phil Bond, the Jinjonator, our top operative.

The Boss looks to Phil for a reaction. He gives none. The Boss continues.

The Boss: I understand your confusion. You have no memory of us or our organization.

Phil Bond: True. Care to fill me in?

Agent 37 bites her lower lip as she smiles, pinching him, making Phil feel a bit uncomfortable.

The Boss: Your position is understandable. When an agent is sent off active duty and put into reserve -- as in your case -- he is set up with a new life and made to forget everything about us.

Phil Bond: Man, I feel like I'm in an issue of Captain America...

The Boss: continuing ...It protects both the agent and ourselves from any outside influence. However, prolonged periods in this state can lead to a permanent loss in memory, and we feared such was the case with you, hence the little test we set up for you on State Street in Madison.

Phil Bond: What test?

Wisconsin Senator Herb Kohl steps out from behind a hidden door.

Senator Herb Kohl: Hello.

Phil Bond: Man, I feel like I'm in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory...

The Boss: You performed admirably. Your unorthodox use of a government-run Snapple machine as a weapon was top-notch. So, we knew it wasn't too late to bring you back into the fold on our latest case.

The Boss circles around his desk and presses a button. A panel in the wall slides away to reveal a flat screen HDTV with the image of the man from the news report.

The Boss: This is the man commonly known as Spqqky. He was one of our top agents until he used his resources to pull off an extraordinary heist, an interdimensional portal. We were never able to locate it, but we discharged Spqqky very quickly. In fact, you were the one who brought him in for us.

Phil appears surprised.

The Boss: We kept an eye on him. We knew that without a critical operational element that he would never get the device to work, so we tracked his movements to see if any of our, um, adversaries would step forward to help him out. So far, nothing. Though, strangely, he started selling toys shortly before many of them were due for commercial release.

Phil Bond: This is unreal.

The Boss: You have little choice, I'm afraid. Only you are capable of stopping Spqqky. You worked with him for years, side by side. He's duplicated your work numerous times. It is up to you to stop him and his henchman.

Phil Bond: Man, I feel like I'm in Mission Impossible 2.

The Boss touches his desk again, and the wall closes. He touches another button and a technician enters with a change of clothes.

The Boss: This is your uniform. I'm sure it'll stir something in that memory of yours. But I won't be around to keep up on your condition. I'm late for a rendezvous with Agent Ngo, another operative like yourself, currently handling the situation in Washington.

Phil Bond: What--

The Boss: You are to relieve him so that he may be freed for this, ah, other activities.

Phil Bond: But--

The Boss: Agent 37 will answer any questions you may have. Good day, Agent Bond.

The Boss disappears behind a wall.

George Takei: Oooooooh my.

Phil Bond: Man, this is going to be hell on my grades...

Indoor WIAC Conference Meet -- Indoor Track Facility -- UW-Platteville -- Platteville, Wisconsin

Fritz: Do you have any idea why Tommy drives to the meets?

Bergstrom: Nope. Hey, there he is!

Fritz: Tommy, watcha doin' getting here so late?

Tommy: Sorry guys, uh, I slept in.

Bergstrom: What, you afraid of falling asleep at the wheel there, Tom?

Fritz: Man, you should just take the bus with the rest of us. Don't need to go home before every meet, you know.

Tommy: What can I say, you know? I had some business that needed attending to. Hey, where's the rookie?

The Food Court

TheOrange: Eeww, a "Magic" convention.

Jay: Yeah, what a bunch of geeks.

TheOrange: pointing to the fries You going to eat those?

Jay: Nope, go at 'em.

TheOrange: Thanks.

Underground Washington D.C.

Phil is pulling on a yellow t-shirt with the words "Ngo Fear" in black lettering emblazoned over the left breast.

Phil Bond: This is a joke, right?

Agent 37: It's always hard to adjust when you've been out for as long as you have.

Phil Bond: Hurm...

Phil stares at Agent 37.

Phil: Say, what do you do when you aren't working here?

Agent 37: I'm an actress.

Phil Bond: I thought you looked familiar. I loved you in "Hackers." And "Foxfire."

Agent 37: sigh ...everyone does.

Phil Bond: Aren't you going to play Lara Croft?

Agent 37: Yeah...

Phil Bond: So, you're married to Billy Bob Thornton?

Agent 37: No, that's just part of my "other" life that the agency set up for me.

Phil Bond: Ha! I knew that wasn't real...

Agent 37 looks distinctly perturbed. Phil is busy trying to put together his tux. Agent 37 slides behind him to help fasten his bow tie.

Agent 37: You haven't asked about US yet.

Phil chokes audibly.

Phil Bond: There's an "us?"

Agent 37's expression noticeably falls.

Phil Bond: I'm sorry, I don't remember. Besides, I have a girlfriend, and...

Agent 37: Never mind, forget I said anything. Here's your piece.

Agent 37 hands Phil a Walther P-38, then turns away to put on her own uniform.

Phil Bond: examining the gun Huh. Figures.

Phil Bond chokes again when he sees what Agent 37 is wearing: a sleeveless green leather top, a pair of brown daisy dukes, a backpack, two very large hiking boots, one gun strapped to each curvaceous hip, and a happening pair of Lennon-style shades. Phil smiles, but before he can say anything klaxons sound. Phil looks confused, but Agent 37 is on top of it (the situation, pervert!).

Agent 37: into the comm unit on the wall Status!

Garbled Voice: They're attacking the White House! We need to evacuate the president immediately!

Agent 37: Understood. to Phil Time to show everyone what you're made of, hot stuff.

Phil Bond: doing his best Sean Connery impression "I'll take 'The Rapists' for three hundred, Alex."

Agent 37 stares at him.

Phil Bond: I mean, let's go...

Above ground, Pennsylvania Avenue

Legions of tank drones attempt to cross the street only to have their plastic bodies crushed by traffic... which is precisely the moment that the drones begin shooting at cars. They are unsuccessful until Ted Kennedy, drunk as a skunk and more naked than a priest on Thursday, comes strolling onto the street where he is greeted by five Lincoln Town Cars. Ted steps out of the wreckage with his drink in his hand.

Ted: Ehhhhh, nice fucking try there, uh, God...

Ted throws back the drink and collapses on the hood of a yellow 1998 Volkswagen Beetle.

Spqqky surveys the scene with a particular kind of glee.

Spqqky: Go! Go destroy them all!

Spqqky turns to the Dark Minion near him.

Spqqky: I sense the adversary is near, no doubt reinforcements of the notorious Agent Ngo. Stop them, my Dark Minion!

Dark Minion: Oh, I will master. I certainly will...

A secret passageway to the Oval Office -- A sublevel of Washington D.C., bgmusic="Barenaked Ladies - Alcohol"

The tunnel shakes with the incredible pounding going on above.

The President: Hillary, cut it out!

Hillary: That wasn't me, you big oaf!

The President: Never mind, we are almost to the tunnel. Yeeehaw!

Agent 37: They're just around the corner, get ready.

Phil Bond: What am I supposed to do? And why does that technician look like Andy Kaufman?

Agent 37: There's no time for that now!

Phil Bond: Yeah, yeah, "Buddha Buddha Buddha..."

Agent 37: What?

In that moment of distraction, the President and First Lady jump into the secret underground tunnel, only to be tailed by scores of raging tank drones. One by one, fleeing politicians fall, then the President and First Lady themselves, under the beam of the Key to Vector Sigma. The shadow of a man can clearly be seen at the end of the tunnel.

Agent 37: Show yourself, you monster!

Dark Minion: Oh, I intend to, my dear, but I'm afraid you won't be around to see.

Before she can get another word out, Agent 37 falls to the drones as well. Phil dashes to her side as she is wracked with unbelievable pain.

Phil Bond: Monster!

Dark Minion: Didn't we already go over this?

The Dark Minion steps from the shadows.

Dark Minion: Remember me? No, I don't expect you do. You've never seen me before in your life, but I'll give you a hint. I'm the worst enemy you've ever known, Phil Bond.

Phil Bond: You mean--

Dark Minion: Yes, it is I, PrimeX! It was I who outbid you at the last second so many times on eBay!

Phil Bond: ...kill you!

PrimeX: Heh heh... you're welcome to try. Drones, attack!

Just as the drones take aim on Phil, a magenta vortex opens up inside the tunnel.

Phil Bond: expositing unnecessarily What the--

Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Jazz, and Perceptor fall out of the vortex and it immediately closes.

Jazz: Where are we now?

Perceptor: I don't know, but if this afro is correct, then we are going to be here for quite a long time.

Sideswipe: How long, Perceptor?

Perceptor: Sixty years!

Dum dum DUM!!!

Sunstreaker: Cut that out, Jazz.

Perceptor: Oh! My most sincere apologies, fellow Autobots. I was holding the timer upside down. Prepare to disembark.

Jazz: It's about time. This place is unhipper than unhip!

Perceptor: Five... four... three... two... one...

Another vortex opens, and all the drones and PrimeX are sucked in, following the four lost Autobots.

Phil Bond: Man, I feel like I'm in TFWW...

The film flickers and distorts, and the image of Phil Bond burns away like so much cheap cellophane.

Andy Kaufman: And dat... is de end... of de filllllm.

The random member of the audience coughs.

Bob Zmuda: I, uh, I don't get it. Why is it called "Mr. Ngo?"

Andy runs to the back of the audience.

Andy Kaufman: Play the rest!

Andy runs to the front of the room.

Andy Kaufman: Um... dere... dere ees no morrrrrre to de fillllm...

Andy runs back again.

Andy Kaufman: Show it!

Andy runs to the front.

Andy Kaufman: I... I...

Bob Zmuda: Yeah! Show it, you bum!

Andy Kaufman: I... I...

Bob Zmuda: Oh, "I... I..." you're pathetic!

Andy Kaufman: I... will show you... de rest... of de filllllm...

Andy begins to crank the projector by hand.

Another random audience member: You aren't even Andy Kaufman! You're Jim Carrey!

Andy Kaufman: Quiet! And now... de rest... of de fillllm...

Liz's Dorm -- UW-Madison -- Madison, Wisconsin

Phil Bond: into Yahoo Messenger ...and that was the end of the Vehicons.

TheOrange: Uh huh...

Phil Bond: After I got back to the base, Deschane took made me return my tux and apologized for the deception. I'm not really a famous spy hero, but they knew I had ties to Spqqky, which is why they brought me in on the case. Unfortunately, he gave us the slip as soon as his tank drones disappeared. Apparently the absence of the key turned everyone back to normal.

TheOrange: Deschane. The-guy-we-went-to-high-school-with Deschane?

Phil Bond: Pretty sure.

TheOrange: Have you ever considered psychiatric help?

Phil Bond: I didn't think you'd believe me.

TheOrange: Don't think that this will get you out of returning my C-9.8 G1 Megatron to me.

Phil hears a knock at the door.

Liz: Can you get that?

Phil: Sure, talk to Orange.

Liz: Yippee!

Phil saunters over to the door and opens it.

Phil: at eye level Yes, what do you--

Phil looks down.

Scorponok: HUG!!! 

The End.

* * *

**Please feel free to read Season 2 at The Official Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes site.**


End file.
